there is this one song that i used to sing in school and each time my mind felt free and my eyes a bit heavy....its called ... Mother of mine
Mother of mine you gave to me,
All of my life to do as i please,
I own everything i have to you,
Mother sweet mother of mine.
Mother of mine when i was young
You showed me the right way
Things should be done,
Without your love where would i be,
Mother sweet mother of mine.
Mother you gave me happiness,
Much more than words can say,
I pray the lord that he may bless you,
Every night and every day.
Mother of mine now i am grown
And i can walk straight all on my own,
I'd like to give you what you gave to me,
Mother sweet mother of mine...
I own everything i have to you,
Mother sweet mother of mine.
Mother of mine when i was young
You showed me the right way
Things should be done,
Without your love where would i be,
Mother sweet mother of mine.
Mother you gave me happiness,
Much more than words can say,
I pray the lord that he may bless you,
Every night and every day.
Mother of mine now i am grown
And i can walk straight all on my own,
I'd like to give you what you gave to me,
Mother sweet mother of mine...
isnt it beautiful??...and each time i hear this...it scares me...for now i am at this age when i would be old enough to be a mother..many of my friends are or will be one soon...but...no i cannot say about them..but i, will i be able to be what my mother could be?...i confess i have day dreamed a lot about being one...it would be beautiful and so perfect....a child would bring in laughter...and i have plans...nothing rigid...just things i have always dreamed to do with my own child...the long walks the morning coffees and horlicks...the schools the books....and yet they will have the flexibility to do what they want...and then i laugh...for me charting out this whole plan in itself is a way to take over...to shun them the chance to choose....and that scares me...there is so much different now...the way people are...the way people think...and somehow, although it doesn't matter to me...i cannot tolerate myself running away from what is traditionally correct...or at least so in my mind...and i fear that my own children may not be able to receive the correct amount of freedom and rigidity my mother managed me with...
i always look back in time and wonder...how each time...she worked behind the scenes while pushing me out in the front...and made people recognise and understand me...how she without showing herself...managed to make me climb higher with each new journey...she wanted nuthing less from me...nothing but what was the best...and yet when it did not yield...she never let me fall back in despair...
from the little things...like a puchkka party at 11pm as a surprise for getting thru mayo...or never letting me know or feel embarrassed about my first crush and my poem on him...to the big things like pushing me to believe in myself when i lost all hope of ever standing back on my feet again...pulling me out of an year long depression i never realised i had...
shes always been at the back of me...somehow behind me and my father...knowing all along she was so much more...she could've been so much more...but she chose me instead...
every inch a goddess...time feels like it has begun its little game...robbing me of being with her...for i have strayed so far away....chosen a path that never crossed with her too much...that now it feels like it is too late...i fear that about me...and then fear my selfishness...wondering if i could let my child go away like she let me...if i could let my child learn and yet be able to rush to her aid with her smallest cry...mum knew...she always knew....
i have been closer to dad than mum...but there are so many things i wish i had learned from her...and yet each time i promise to be with her...destiny pulls me away...further...and if it isn't destiny its me...and yet she smiles and lets me go...
i know ma...i don't say this often..to me a typed word is easier...and although this day should simply not be for today only, as mothers day...it gives me the sense to take me back to you...
LOVE YOU MA...for everything i know and everything i don't know and will never know....
